I’ve always struggled explaining myself and how I feel to people. I’d much rather be able to write down whatever is on my mind. For example, if I have anything to say I find it easier over text, email or even letter, especially if it involves explaining my inner feelings (ew). It also gives me time for my brain to form the right words that are in my head.
Today I want to talk about a feeling I sometimes get. A feeling that I’ve never be able to give a name until recently. That feeling I’d probably name as being numb, empty or lost. You’re not quite happy but you’re not feeling sad either. It’s somewhere in the middle. You can feel disconnected from reality, almost as if for a period of time nothing feels real.
And no I haven’t been diagnosed with anything; such as depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Borderline Personality Disorder, nor do I want to. I don’t want to walk around with a label. I don’t want to have to take medication just to feel ‘normal’. I don’t want to feel like that’s how I have to introduce myself.
Like “Hi I’m Grace and I’m mentally unstable”
Mostly I don’t want people feeling like they have to feel sorry for me. I want people to give me sympathy when they feel it is needed, not for it to be forced in any way.
In all honesty, I’d rather not feel anything at all then be in a constant state of sadness, happiness or anger. At least it is less draining.
Unless someone who cares about me reads this and tells me I should seek help I’m not going to. Why? Because I don’t have the time, effort or money to go through counselling. I studied psychology, I know what is wrong with me, I know why and I know what the counsellors would say.
If I was in a state where I couldn’t hold a steady job or I would stay in bed for days, maybe I would take it all a bit more seriously. But it’s not affecting my daily life, so why should I bother? To make things clear; I’m not saying I have depression and I’m not saying I don’t have depression. This blog post is more of a ramble. Where I just say whatever I am thinking.
Maybe subconsciously I am asking for conformation that feeling numb sometimes is normal. Or maybe I’m asking for conformation that it isn’t normal.
Let me know, do you ever feel numb sometimes?