It’s a recent feeling I have started to notice but I put so much pressure on myself on succeeding, that I don’t want to start the thing in the first place. From a lot of people’s point of view it looks like I’m lazy or have no motivation, but that’s not the case.
For example, for 2 years I have had the ability and opportunity to start taking driving lessons so I can pass and actually learn to drive. It would be somewhat useful for me to be able to drive and I would probably save some money on train and bus tickets.
However, my mind is telling me I’ll fail the first time round and that I would then waste a lot of money on lessons. Also another problem is that I have no hand-eye coordination, so yeah there’s that.
And I’m sure it’s all in my head and I’m sure as soon as I get into the car and started learning, I’d be fine.
But it’s getting me into the car in the first place.
Now I’m no psychologist but I think the reason I have gained this phobia is due to my struggle with GCSEs and A Levels. I put in an enormous amount of effort but got mediocre grades slapped across my face, at the end of the day.
This upset me as you can imagine. There are kids out there who could sleep on their book the night before and get A* and then there was me, who had revised since then day I had come out of my mother’s womb and only got a C.
I’m kidding obviously, was quite a lazy baby apparently, could barely crawl to what I wanted let alone revise.
It is one of the main reasons I didn’t want to continue my education in a university and that I didn’t know what I would study for the next 3 years and enjoy.
Failing is an unpleasant experience do go through so I try to avoid it at all costs.
But this feeling of constantly worrying about not being perfect isn’t just something that affects the present day. It affects my future as well.
For those who don’t me or haven’t guessed yet, I worry about a lot of things. Some pointless, some not so. One thing I worry about is that I will try so hard to get into the writing industry and then it turns out I’m not even that good at writing.
Although, I’m hoping if I was that shit at writing someone would have said something by now.
What I find quite funny is that some of the students when doing exams in school complained about how much pressure their parents would put on them to get the right grades. However, my parents were a lot more relaxed than that.
Not because they didn’t care but because they knew I was already doing their job for them.